if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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