what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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