Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
