why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
