My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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