And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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