My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
