who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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