Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
