good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
