I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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