It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
