Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
