remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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