Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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