I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
