It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize