i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
