thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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