I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
