well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
