Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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