hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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