Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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