Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
