so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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