I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
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