i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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