Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
