A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
