I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
