I met the friendliest cop last night
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
