Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
