i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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