Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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