my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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