I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
