just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
