Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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