My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
