So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
