I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
