finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
