i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
