Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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