On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
