Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Someone signed my nipple.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
