Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize