im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
