I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
