Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
