I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
