Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
