if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
