I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
bring money and cleavage
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
