I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
