I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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