I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
