I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
