Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
