Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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